Keep It Under Your Ed
by ZephyrSamba
Summary: Ch. 5 of 5 in! Eddy's got big plans for those intelligence files Double-D keeps on everyone – what better way to make a quick buck than through a little blackmail? Hmm, don’t answer that…
1. Dictionary Distress

"Start countin' up the cash, Ed!"  Eddy rubbed his hands together as he paced across Edd's room.  "Man, why didn't I think of this before?  Those files Double-D has on everyone are gonna make us rich beyond my wildest dreams!"

Ed looked up from where he was stacking books on top of each other.  "Last night I dreamt I was a talking slice of bologna in the Land of Wieners."  His eyes lit up.  "Eddy!  Do you think Double-D's files could make me a wiener?"

Eddy snorted.  "Forget it, Ed, you're halfway there already."

"Yes, I am!"  His stacking complete, Ed climbed up the book-tower and batted at the model Earth hanging from Edd's ceiling.  "Eddy, look!  I am a global disaster!"

Edd giggled as he entered his room, a large stack of manila folders in his arms.  "Truer words have never been spoken, Ed.  But, please – try to refrain from accosting my solar system, it took me hours to position those planets in perfect orbital relation with one another."  He gasped as he saw what Ed was standing on.  "Ed, not my dictionaries!"

"Uh, they were like that when I got here, Double-D!"  Ed jumped down and whistled innocently.

Edd placed the folders on his desk before scurrying over.  "Oh, just look at this!"  He sadly picked up the top one.  "Inch-deep footprints in my Oxford Unabridged!  Ed, how many times have I asked you not to stand on my books?  You know there's a perfectly serviceable step-ladder in the closet you could just as easily have used!"

Eddy rolled his eyes.  "I guess he just can't resist a good nagging, Sock-head."  He sat on the desk and picked up the top folder.  "Give it a rest, though, will ya?  We've got work to do."  Flipping through the file, he snickered in anticipation.  "Man, it's like cash in the bank – just look at all this good dirt we've got!"

"Ooh!  Ooh!  Let me see!"  Ed charged toward the desk.  "Dirt is my favorite color!"

"Ed, no!"  Disregarding Edd's frantic yell, Ed barreled into the desk, sending it, the folders, and Eddy flying.  "Oh, now look what you've done!"  Edd mournfully watched his formerly-organized papers flutter to the ground.  "As if it's not bad enough that I've let you two talk me into using these files in the first place, now I have to reassemble them before we can even begin!  It's going to take me hours to get everything back into its proper order!"

Eddy had been lying on the ground in a daze, but Edd's words jolted him upright.  "Hours?  What show are you living in, Sock-head?  We don't have time for that!"  Picking up the nearest folder, he began stuffing papers in at random.  When it was full, he brandished it triumphantly.  "Voila!  One folder, 30 seconds flat!"

"But Eddy, you don't know if you placed the correct papers in that file – why, you may have mixed Jonny's information with Rolf's, or Kevin's with – "

"Relax, will ya?  Details are for saps who can't think big-picture, Double-D!"  As he spoke, Eddy jammed papers into a second file.  "Look, it's all secrets, right?  Who cares what goes where – once word gets out that we've got these files, nobody's gonna want to wait around to find out how right they are!"

"But Eddy, that's – "

"Guys, look!"  Ed laughed as he drew a giant slice of bacon on the wall.  "I am thinking in big pictures!"  He added sharp teeth and beady eyes.  "It is the Bacon Fiend from 'Breakfast of Terror at Tiffany's'!  Pretty good, huh!"

"My wall…indelible ink…_bacon_…"  It was several moments before Edd snapped out of his horrified reverie.  "Ed!"  He rushed over and seized hold of Ed's marker.  "You put that down right now, Mister!"

Ed continued, oblivious to Edd's attempt to wrest the marker from him.  "Thanks for the help, Double-D!"  He drew an oval and gave it an angry face.  "Look, it's a Bad Egg!"

"Ed, stop, wait!"  Edd clung desperately to the marker, getting dragged along as Ed continued his artwork.  "Let me get you a piece of paper!"

Ignoring his friends, Eddy looked down at the page he was holding.  He blinked, then turned the paper sideways.  He turned it upside-down.  He squinted at it.

"Hey Sock-head, c'mere a minute."  Still staring at the paper, Eddy grabbed Edd and pulled him over.  Ed trotted along, holding onto the other end of the marker.

"Yes, Eddy?  Was there something you needed?"  Edd gave another tug.

"Oh, gee, I dunno…"  Eddy waved the paper in the air.  "How about an explanation?!"

Edd glanced over his shoulder at Eddy, then pulled again.  "An explanation?  Whatever do you mean?"

"I mean – "  Realizing Edd was focused more on the marker than on his words, Eddy cut off with a growl.  "Ed!"  He snatched the marker from both his friends, stuffed it in Ed's mouth, and twisted his ear.  The marker swirled around twice before disappearing down Ed's throat with a flushing sound.  "Quit distracting Double-D, will ya?"  As Ed smacked his lips, Eddy thrust the paper up to Edd's eyes.  "I _mean, what __is this?  All these words – I can't read any of them!  What good are secrets I can't make out?"_

Edd had to push the paper back before he could focus on it.  "I'm not sure I'm following, Eddy, they seem perfectly legible to me."  Plucking it out of Eddy's hands, he read, "'…Subject relies upon said transitional object as a means of mediating between the fragile landscape of his psyche and the inexorable actualities of the external world, oftentimes – "

"All right, enough, you made my point!"  Eddy held his hands to his ears.  "None of those words make sense!  It's like it's not even English!"  He squinted at Edd.  "What'd you do, Sock-head, use that stupid code you write your journals in?"

"Code?"  Edd looked back at the paper.  "N-no, that's – "  He turned sharply to Eddy, hands on his hips.  "How did you know I write my journal entries in code?"

"Oh, uh, I was…just guessing?"  Eddy's innocent expression soured as Edd continued to frown at him.  "Look, you can yap at me about that later, all right?  Don't change the subject!"

"'Change the subject'?!  How could – "  Edd let out an exasperated sigh.  "Yes, that certainly was rude of me, wasn't it?"  As he spoke, he picked up his label-maker and clicked out a new label.  "Thank heavens I have such considerate friends to remind me of my manners."  He glared pointedly at Eddy as he plastered 'Private: Authorized Personnel Only' beneath his 'Journals' label on the appropriate drawer.  "But for your information, Eddy, these files aren't in any sort of code – the language simply reflects jargon used in certain psychological circles.  Perhaps I could clarify, though."  Relaxing somewhat as he slipped into 'teaching' mode, he pointed to the line he'd just read.  "Now, this passage has to do with – ah, let's call him 'Subject J,' shall we?  All it says is that Subject J relies upon a surrogate companion to help him cope with the otherwise insurmountable discrepancies between his internal and external realities."  He smiled.  "It's all quite simple, isn't it?"

Ed and Eddy stared at him for long moments.  A trickle of inky drool ran down Ed's chin.  Finally, Eddy gave a frustrated yell.  "What good are these files if you can't even translate them into real words??  How am I supposed to scare anyone into paying with this?!"  He picked up a page.  "Boy, I can see it now – 'Hey Kevin, you'd better cough up the dough if you don't want everyone to find out you've got – " he concentrated on the paper, "'noc-tur-nal en-ur-esis'?"

"Actually, Eddy, that's not from – "  Edd ducked as a folder flew at his head.

"All my plans – ruined!  No blackmail, no cash, no jawbreakers!"  Eddy slumped to the ground, head in his hands.  "Thanks a lot, Double-D!"

Edd approached cautiously, ready to dodge any more files.  He put a tentative hand on Eddy's shoulder.  "I sympathize with your disappointment, Eddy, but I must admit I'm quite thankful this plan has short-circuited so early in the process – why, I could never have forgiven myself if my innocently-gathered intelligence had caused anyone undue anxiety."

"Shut up, Sock- "

"Hey guys, whose file is this from?"  Ed flipped through the dictionary he'd dented earlier.  "Oh, it must be yours, Double-D, it sounds just like you!"

"Put the stupid dictionary down, Ed, we're done with – "  Eddy suddenly looked up.  "Dictionary?"  He jumped forward and snatched the book from Ed.  Grabbing one of the intelligence papers, he started looking up words.  "Enur-whatsit is…bedwetting??  Someone around here still wets their bed??"  

Edd wrung his hands.  "N-now, Eddy, that's confidential information, we really shouldn't – "

"Bedwetting!"  Eddy fell to the ground with laughter.  "Man, who ever thought a dictionary could actually be useful for something!  Oh yeah, we're back in business!"  Sitting up, he looked at Edd and Ed.  "Well?  What're you waiting for?"  He motioned toward the stack of dictionaries beneath Edd's model solar system.  "Get to work!"

"Hi-ho the dairy-o!"  Ed picked up the dictionaries and tossed them out the window.  "You're welcome!"

Edd stared, wide-eyed.  "That…would have been only slightly less horrifying had my window actually been open…"  The corner of his eye twitched.

"ED!  What the heck's the matter with you?  We needed those!"

Ed blinked one eye, then the other.  "Then why did you ask me to throw them out the window, Eddy?"

"I didn't, Ed, I told you to – "  A growl escaped Eddy's lips as he slapped his hand to his forehead.  "Forget it – Double-D, just start translating, will ya?  Here, use this to find words a normal person would use."  Eddy dropped the remaining dictionary at Edd's feet.  "Anything over two syllables is out, got it Sock-head?  And Ed, go get those other books!"

Ed stood up straight and saluted with both hands.  "Okay, Eddy!  Be back in a flash with a dash of mashed hash – so we can get some, um, money!"  Pinching his nose shut, he ran towards the window but quickly skidded to a halt.  "Oops, safety first," he explained to his friends, running over to pick up Edd's bed.  He held it over his head and leapt out the window.  A 'thud' could be heard from below, followed by a muffled laugh.

Edd hugged the dictionary to his chest and rocked back and forth.  "It's going to be another one of those days, isn't it, Eddy?"

"Yep."  Eddy half-grinned.  "Is there any other kind, Sock-head?"


	2. Blackmail Bungling

"Please, Eddy, I urge you to reconsider!"  Edd had to walk briskly to keep up with his two eager friends as they headed down the street.  "Even if the moral ramifications of blackmail don't concern you, may I remind you once again that – "

"The files aren't in order, they're never gonna work, the world's gonna explode and you'll get a run in your stockings if we go through with this," Eddy droned in a fed-up voice.  "Geez, _Mom_, relax!  I told you a hundred times already, it doesn't matter if the stupid files are right or not as long as people _think_ they are!"  He glanced back at Edd.  "Pay attention, will ya?  I hate it when nobody listens to me – you don't know how annoying that is!"

Edd sputtered through several incredulous responses to Eddy's last comment before finally giving up.  "I'm sorry, Eddy, but the accuracy of the files certainly _does_ matter!  Think, Eddy!  If I were to threaten to reveal your most embarrassing secrets unless you paid me to remain silent, wouldn't you at least make certain that I had _your_ secrets, and not someone else's, before handing over any money?"

"Naughty, naughty, Double-D!"  Ed stopped to waggle his finger in Edd's face.  "It would be so wrong of you to tell about the time Eddy ate all those pancakes and – "

"Hey, hey, hey!"  Eddy leapt onto Ed's shoulders and wrapped both hands around his mouth.  "Quiet, someone might be listening!"  He glared down at Edd.  "The lummox is right, though – you try to double-cross me with my own scam, Sock-head, and those ants of yours are Ed-chow."  Ed's eyebrow shot excitedly skywards, hitting Eddy in the chin and knocking him to the ground.

"Now you leave my ants out of this!" Edd snapped nervously.  "And you're missing the point entirely – I would never do something so morally bankrupt!  I simply sought to establish an appropriate context to help you to see the flaw in our current plan!"  As Eddy continued to stare at him with eyes narrowed, Edd sighed and sat down.  "Look, let's try this another way, shall we?  How about a little cautionary role-play?"  He cast around until he found two sticks.  "This twig – " he held up one of the sticks – "can be Eddy, while this other one will represent his intended target – oh, let's say, Kevin.  Now – "

"Hold it!"  Eddy grabbed the sticks out of Edd's hands and switched them around.  "Kevin oughta be the short one!"

Edd blinked at the sticks, and looked back up at Eddy.  He shrugged.  "V-very well, Eddy.  Now, as I was saying – "

"Oh boy, I know this game!"  Ed crashed down next to Edd and bounced in place.  "Who can I be, Double-D?"

"Um, w-why don't you just be yourself, Ed?  That would be…helpful…I suppose…"

"Ready and wilted!"  Ed peeled off his eyebrow and moved it over toward 'Kevin' and 'Eddy'.  "And Eddy can be Double-D, he is so good at it!"

Eddy crossed his arms.  "Forget it, Ed, we did that already!  Besides, being Double-D gives me a headache!"

"Yes, I know the feeling," Edd muttered.

"Aw, come on, Eddy, we are helping Double-D teach us a lesson!"  He sat Eddy down and pressed an acorn into his hand.  "This can be Double-D 'coz it's got a hat!"

"All right, fine Ed!" Eddy closed his hand over the acorn and glared at Edd.  "Well?  Get on with it, Acorn-boy, we don't have all day!"

"Very well, now that I have your attention, let's begin."  Edd held up his twigs.  "Now as I was saying, this is Eddy, and this is Kevin, yes?  Watch closely, if you will, and observe the most likely outcome of attempting to blackmail somebody using someone else's data."

"Oh, I've seen this one before!"  Ed grabbed the 'Kevin' stick.  "Eddy, you are a dork!!"  He began whacking the 'Eddy' stick, still in Edd's hand.

"Ed – ow! – please!  That's enough, you've – ouch! – made my – ow! – point!"

"What the heck was that?"  Eddy threw the acorn aside and snatched his own stick from Edd.  "That ain't what's gonna happen!  If Kevin tries any funny stuff, he's gonna get the ol' Eddy one-two, like THIS!"  He whacked his twig against Ed's.

"Good one, Eddy!"  Ed laughed.  "Oh, uh, I mean – it is pounding time now, you dork!"  He smacked Eddy – the real Eddy – between the eyes with his stick.

"Watch it, Ed, are you trying to blind me?!"  Eddy rubbed his head, leaving himself open to a whack on the elbow.  "ED!"  He leapt on Ed and the two rolled around in a stick-flying brawl.

"Suddenly I begin to understand Jonny's appreciation for Plank," Edd sighed, watching in resigned frustration.  He looked down and let his eyes wander over to Ed's forgotten eyebrow.  "Gravy," he said in his best Ed-voice, giggling at his friend's favorite expression.  After a quick glance to make sure nobody was watching, he picked up the eyebrow and held it above his own eyes.  "Do not feel bad, Double-D, we could not get along without you!"

"Oh, you're just saying that."  Edd started to get up, but he paused.  Picking up another twig – a short twig – he glanced around again, then tried out an Eddy impersonation.  "No, really, Double-D, Lumpy's right!  Even if I am usually too wrapped up in my own unfathomably ludicrous – no, wait, 'surefire' – plans to say so!"

"Do you really mean it?"  Edd brightened a little.

"Mean what?"  A girlish voice jolted all three Eds to their feet.  "What're you guys doing?"

"Uhh, nothing," came three replies at once.

Nazz giggled.  "You guys are too much!"

After several moments of anxious, frozen grinning, Eddy finally forced himself into action.  "H-h-hi Nazz!"  He smoothed back his hair, brushed the dirt off his clothes, and pulled a twig out of his armpit.  "Have we got a deal for you?"  Retrieving the file labeled 'Nazz' and ignoring the sweat pouring into his eyes, he shakily started over.  "No, wait, that wasn't supposed to be a question – I meant, h-have _we_ got a deal for _y-you_!"

Edd gasped as he realized what Eddy was up to.  "Eddy, wait!"  He hurried to block his way.  "P-please excuse us for a moment, Nazz," he stammered, putting his arm around Eddy's shoulders and walking him out of earshot.  "What in heaven's name are you thinking?  You can't blackmail _Nazz_!  Why, she'd never forgive such a deplorable act!"

"Let go, Sock-head, I'm – uh…I-I'm…"  Eddy faltered as he gazed at Nazz over Edd's shoulder.  "Okay, so you've got a point," he grumbled. Suddenly he snapped his fingers.  "I've got it!  We'll let Ed do it!"

"_Ed_?"  Edd's look of concern quickly changed to one of disbelief.  "But – "

"Shut up and listen!"  Eddy wedged the remaining folders into Edd's mouth, stifling his protests.  "Ed's the dumb one, right?  Good-natured lug and all, yeah?  So who'd ever believe _he'd_ do anything so 'de-plode-able' on purpose?  Trust me, Nazz'll cough up the cash without getting mad, it can't lose!"  Ignoring Edd's fervent head-shaking, he turned to Ed.  "Hey, Burr-head!"

"I just ate my shoelaces, Eddy!"  Ed sat on the ground, beaming at Nazz and polishing his eyebrow.

"Whatever, Ed."  Eddy stuffed Nazz's file into Ed's pocket.  "How'd you like to go talk to Nazz for us?  All you gotta do is get her to cough up the dough for – "

"Oh no!"  Ed gasped.  "Nazz is choking on cookie dough?"  He tied his eyebrow around his forehead and leapt to his feet.  "Do not fear, I saw 'Dawn of the Flesh-Eating Mutant Who Forgot to Chew' seven times this month!  I will save her, guys!"

Nazz smiled as Ed galloped over.  "Hey, Ed, what's up?"  She scratched her head and giggled.  "Um, nice eyebrow, is that a new fashion statement?"

"Fashion later, missy!  Rescue now!"  Ed shook Nazz by the shoulders.  "Spit out the dough, Nazz!"  He pried her jaws open and stuck his head inside.  "I do not see it, Nazz!"  He drew his head back out and peered at her.  "Are you sure you are choking?"

"ED!!"  Nazz twisted away and karate-chopped Ed to the ground.  "What do you think you're doing?!"

Ed laughed.  "Eddy said, 'Get Nazz to cough up the dough'!"  He scratched his head and looked back at Eddy.  "I thought we were just going to blackmail her, Eddy?"

"Blackmail?"  Still spitting out Ed-hair, Nazz looked suspiciously at Eddy.  "What's he talking about, Eddy?"  She spotted the folder in Ed's pocket and pulled it out.  "Is this a file with _my_ name on it?"

"Um…er…yes?"  Eddy plastered on his most charming smile, but it quickly died.  "No!  I-I meant, _no_!  It's definitely not a file with your name on it, heh-heh, why would we have one of those?"  He tried to tug the file away, but Nazz pulled it back and opened it.  "Don't read that!  It's personal!"

"What _is_ this?"  Nazz flushed a dangerous shade of red.  "I don't have back-hair!  And I _never _talk to my bicycle!"  When she looked back up at Eddy, the force of her glare knocked him off his feet.  "You were gonna try to _blackmail_ me with this?"

Eddy sank into the ground as Nazz towered over him.  "N-no, Nazz, I just – "

" – And it's not even _right_!  Do you think I'm stupid?!"

Eddy sank several feet deeper.  "No!  I never – it was Double-D's fault, blame him, they're his files!" 

Nazz turned angry eyes on Edd.  "No, wait, Nazz, I can explain!" Edd yelped, ducking behind Ed.  "I tried to talk him out of this!"

"No he didn't, Nazz, he made me do it!  You've gotta believe me!"

"Honest, Nazz!  I'd never commit so unscrupulous an act!"

"I think I am molting, guys!"  Ed laughed.

"All of you, shut UP!"  Nazz glared at the Eds for long moments.  "I don't care which of you came up with this, you should all be ashamed of yourselves!  I can't believe you were gonna blackmail me!"  She looked through the file once more before hurling it down between them.  "Grow up!"  With that, she tossed her hair and stormed off.

Edd peeked out from behind Ed to make sure the coast was clear, then went to help Eddy out of his hole.  "Well, chalk another one up to experience, I suppose…"

"Uh, Double-D?"  Eddy asked.

"Yes, Eddy?"

"I don't think those files are gonna work all out of order like they are."

Edd rolled his eyes as he strained to pull Eddy up.  "Boy, Eddy, I _never_ would have predicted that!"

"Eh, don't worry about it, Sock-head," Eddy replied, completely missing Edd's sarcastic tone, "I'll let you make up for it by figuring out a better way to make some cash offa them!"

Edd inadvertently let go of Eddy and stared at him in speechless disbelief.  Without a word, he turned to retrieve the stick he'd been using before, then sat down with his back to his friends.  "Really, Double-D," he said, resuming his Eddy-voice.  "We _do_ listen to you, honest we do!  It's just…"

As Edd continued talking to his twig, Eddy climbed out of his hole and walked over to Ed.  "Man, what's his problem?" he asked, still watching Edd.

"Blame it on the bossanova, Eddy!"  Ed tied his eyebrow tighter, squeezing his forehead in.  "Aaah!  Guys, help!  My brain can't breathe!"  He ran into Eddy, knocking them both to the ground.  "Call the milkman!"

Edd glanced back to make sure his friends were okay before resuming his one-sided discussion.  "You're right, Double-D, our time really would be better spent with some quality reading material!  Could you please suggest something for us?"  Yes, he certainly could see the appeal of a friend like Plank at times.  In fact, he decided, if Eddy somehow _did_ manage to make this scam work, he might just take his share of the proceeds and invest in a good 2X4 of his own.


	3. Gossip Gurus

"Man, what a waste of time!"  Eddy sat on the curb between his friends, glaring at the folders in Ed's hands.  "Those stupid things are useless!"

"Cheer up, Eddy," Edd smiled encouragingly at him, "I'm sure our next utterly absurd scheme is just around the proverbial bend!"  As Eddy slouched forward, muttering about who he'd really like to bend, Edd tried a different approach.  "Well, try to look on the bright side, at any rate – our blackmail scam's pilot run could have – "

"Why would a pilot run, Double-D?  Shouldn't he fly?"  Ed's eyebrow arched in concern.  "Maybe he's afraid of heights!  That is so sad, Double-D!  We should bake him a cake!"  He produced a large grey _something_ from his pocket.  "I've got the horseradish!"

Edd and Eddy exchanged shrugging glances.  "Yes, well," Edd cleared his throat, "a-as I was saying, our _test _run could have gone far worse had someone other than Nazz – "

"Oh man!  _Nazz_!"  Eddy grabbed Edd and ducked behind him.  "What if she thinks that whole thing was _my _idea??"

Edd looked back over his shoulder.  "Um, Eddy?  Call me a stickler for detail, but the whole thing _was _your – mmphf!"

"Quiet, she might hear you!"  Eddy continued to hold both hands over Edd's mouth as he looked around and laughed loudly.  "Boy, that's a good one, Double-D, you're such a kidder!"  He dropped Edd and sat back down, head in his hands.  "Man, now Nazz is gonna hate _me_, too!"  Glancing sidelong at Edd, he grumbled, "I feel _so _much better now, Sock-head, thanks a lot!"

Ed stopped cleaning his ear with his horseradish and frowned at Eddy.  "Aw, cheer up little buckaroo!"  He smiled vacantly.  "A little horseradish can cure what the doctor ordered!"

"Get that thing away from me, Ed, it smells like feet!"  Eddy slapped away the horseradish Ed held up to his face.  "Besides, what I need ain't horseradish."  He nudged the folders with his foot.  "What I _need_ is a way to make some cash offa these things – so both of you, quit fooling around and _think_, will ya?"

All three Eds sat in silence, Edd dutifully jotting down and crossing out potential ideas while Eddy glared at nothing and Ed munched on a folder.

Suddenly Ed jumped to his feet.  "Ooh, I know!"  He waved his soggy folder in the air.  "We could crumple them up like meatballs and sell them with spaghetti sauce!"  To demonstrate, he jammed his folder into his mouth.  "Pass the parmesan!"

"Knock it off, Ed."  Eddy grabbed a file and prepared to whack him with it, but then he paused, holding the folder out thoughtfully.  "Hmm…you know, that idea's – "

"Ludicrous, unpalatable, and completely out of the question!"  Edd snatched up the remaining folders and clutched them to his chest.  "'Sell them with spaghetti sauce'?  Please!  Am I the only one around here with any scruples whatsoever?"

Ed clapped his hands.  "I think I have a scruple, Double-D!  Let me check for you!"  He bent over and stuck his head in his jacket pocket, rooting around for several minutes before coming out with all manner of debris clinging to him.  "Do scruples smell like pork chops?"  He picked at a burrito now tangled in his eyebrow.

"Um…n-never mind, Ed, why don't you keep your scruple for now?"  Edd edged over to Eddy.  "Well, Eddy, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we're all capable of _some_ level of common sense – can't we use it just this once to admit that these files simply have no financial value?"  He flipped through a file.  "I mean, if I had time to restore them to their proper order, then _maybe _there _could _be a way to make a profit off of them, but as it stands, nobody's going to care about incorrect information about themselves!"

Eddy's face cycled through its typical range of perplexity, boredom, and annoyance as Edd spoke.  At Edd's final comment, however, his 'money' look took over.  "Double-D!"  He jumped onto the files Edd held and grabbed him by the shoulders.  "That's it!"

Edd dropped Eddy and the folders, getting pulled down himself as Eddy hung onto him.  "Eddy!  _Please_ try to curb your rambunctious behavior, you know I – "

" – 'Couldn't go five minutes without complaining if my life depended on it!'" Eddy finished in a mockingly high-pitched voice.  He shoved Edd aside and jumped up.  "Boy, Sock-head, you're more laughs than a visit to the dentist!  Give it a rest, will ya, we've got a scam to run!"

"But Eddy, you still haven't explained just _what_ this idea of yours even is!"  Edd crossed his arms and glared at the ground.  "And for the record, I'm _not_ complaining, I'm simply – "

"'Talking to hear the sound of my own voice', "  Eddy rolled his eyes.  "Quiet, will ya?  Let me tell you my idea so you can tell me what a genius I am!  Like you said, people won't believe wrong stuff about themselves…_But_…" Eddy grinned slyly, "Who's gonna know if it's wrong information about someone else?"  

Edd looked distinctly worried.  "Um, Eddy, I-I'm not sure I'm following you…"

"Sure ya are, Double-D, you only _wish_ you weren't!"  Eddy threw an arm around Edd and pulled him close, "Admit it, it's pure gold!"  He waved his free hand in an arc.  "Eddy's Gossip Emporium!  'We know the news you know you wish you knew!'  No, wait, 'We dish the dirt, so cough up, squirt!'"  He scratched his chin.  "Okay, so the slogan needs a little work…"

Edd rubbed his eyes wearily.  "My powers of persuasion need 'a little work,' Eddy, this idea needs to be interred in the deepest, most secluded cavern we can locate!"

Eddy growled his annoyance.  "Is it fun in general that bugs, you, Sock-head, or just my brilliant ideas?  Look, you don't have to do anything, all right?"  He dragged Edd and Ed behind a nearby tree  "Just stay outta the way and let me rack up the suckers!"  Just then, he heard footsteps heading toward the tree.  He peered out from behind it, and grinned widely.  "_Bingo…_"

As Jonny skipped past, Eddy stuck his foot out and tripped him.  "Whoa, watch your step there, hot-shot!"  He jumped out from behind the tree.  "Where're you going in such a rush?"

"Hiya, Eddy!"  Jonny picked himself up and brushed off Plank.  "Me and Plank were just going to the park to see if we could find a monkey!  What's that, buddy?"  He held Plank up to his ear and laughed.  "Plank says if we don't find a monkey you'd make a great substitute, Eddy!"

Eddy slapped his knee and forced a laugh.  "Good one, Plank, you're such a kidder."  To himself he muttered, "Yeah, you're as funny as a history lesson…"  He spoke up again.  "But I've got something way better than monkeys, Jonny-boy!  How'd you like some choice dirt on some the cul-de-sac's most well-known faces?"

"Dirt?"  Jonny hesitated.  "I don't know, Eddy, I think we'd rather have a monkey…"

"Sure, monkeys are great, we all want monkeys!"  Eddy looked away so Jonny wouldn't see him roll his eyes.  "Of course, with info like this, maybe you could find someone to share those meaningful monkey moments with?  For example…"  He snagged a folder at random and casually flipped it open.  "Did you know Sarah eats a whole jar of wheat germ every morning?"

"She does?  Really?"  Jonny exchanged glances with Plank.  "Boy, Plank, I thought we were the only ones who did that!"

From behind the tree, Edd watched with growing concern.  "'Sarah eats a whole jar of wheat germ every morning'?  Oh dear…"  He reached out to tug at Eddy's sleeve.  "Um, Eddy?  Eddy, we really need to talk!"  When Eddy pointedly continued his spiel to Jonny, Edd sighed in exasperation and turned to Ed.  "Ed, please retrieve Eddy for me, I need to confer with him for a moment."

Ed looked up from where he had been licking leaves and sticking them to his face.  "No need to ask for donuts, Double-D!"  With an enthusiastic roar, he lunged out and dragged Eddy back.  "Look, Eddy, just like a tree-man from 'Nightmare Oaks on Elm Street'!  Pretty good, huh!"

"Stick to picking woodlice outta your head, Ed!"  Eddy turned to glare at Edd.  "And you – what's your problem?  Can't you see I'm busy?"

"Oh, I see you're busy, all right – busy conning Jonny with patently _false_ information, that is!"  Edd put his hands on his hips.  "Really, Eddy, this is even more irresponsible than your blackmail idea!  Can't you see how spreading untrue gossip around the cul-de-sac can only lead to chaos and consternation for all involved?"

"So what?"  Eddy shrugged.  "By then we'll be home, behind locked doors and slurping down the jawbreakers!  Didn't you see how Jonny jumped on that thing about Sarah?"  He snickered.  "He's just _begging_ to be taken for a ride!"

"He is?"  Ed perked up.  "Oh boy!  My turn to be the merry-go-round!"  He started running, but Eddy grabbed him just in time.

"Forget it, Ed, that ain't what I meant!"  He yanked him backwards, then started heading back towards Jonny.  "What Jonny _needs_ is Eddy's Gossip Emporium!"

Edd ran to block his way.  "But, Eddy – "

"Hey, Monobrow!"  Eddy grinned wickedly at Edd as he yelled over.  "Forget the stupid merry-go-round – how 'bout showing me how you 'tree-men' deal with lumberjacks?"  He gestured toward an increasingly-disconcerted Edd.

"Sure thing, Eddy!"  Ed galloped over, 'branches' raised for the attack.

Edd looked around for an escape route.  "No, Ed, wait, I'm not a – "

"Get the lumberjack!!"  Ed pounced.

Snickering to himself as yelps and crashes rose behind him, Eddy sauntered out to greet Jonny once more.  "Sorry about that, Jonny – those darn squirrels sure are getting pushy!  Now where were we?"

"Plank says you were at the part where you shoveled the baloney!"

Eddy glowered at Plank.  "You tell Plank to mind his own business, Jonny, before he ends up in a sawmill."  As Jonny hugged Plank protectively, Eddy added, "And if that hunk of wood is so smart, did he know Sarah's a member of the 'National Union for Talkative Tree Enthusiasts and Radicals'?"

Jonny gasped.  "Sarah's a NUTTER?  Wow, Plank, just like us!"  His face took on a faintly wistful look.  "I never knew we had so much in common!  What else do you know, Eddy?"

"What do I look like, a charity?  No more freebies!"  Eddy waved the file under Jonny's nose.  "Of course, if you're ready to talk cash, I think we can come to an arrangement for a mere dollar…"

"I dunno, Eddy, I – what's that, Plank?"  Jonny held his friend up to his ear.

"Jonny!"  Eddy hurried on to a final tidbit before Plank could advise Jonny.  "Uh…did you know Sarah's got a teapot she talks to all the time?"

"Really?  She does?"  Sweating, Jonny looked at Plank.  "Yeah, I know, buddy – but what if it _is_ true?  Maybe you could get that girlfriend you've always wanted, Plank!"  He listened for a moment.  "Oh, good idea!  I'll ask.  Hey, Ed!"

"At your service with a salmon!"  Ed leapt out from behind the tree and plucked a scrap of red fabric out of his teeth.

Jonny laughed.  "Good one, Ed!  But me and Plank have a question for ya!"  He pointed at Eddy and his files.  "Is Eddy telling the truth?"

All eyes turned to Ed, who put a finger to his mouth in thought.  He blinked.  He scratched his head.  He tried to take a test nibble of Plank, but was immediately shooed away by Jonny.  Finally he spoke up.  "I'm a pepper, he's a pepper!"  Chuckling, he peeled a soggy leaf off his head and stuck it between Jonny's eyes.  "Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too!"

Eddy slapped a hand to his head.  "Great, Ed, we almost – "

Jonny laughed wildly, looking cross-eyed at the leaf on his forehead.  "Boy, Ed, you said it!  All right, you talked me into it."  He dropped four quarters into Ed's pocket.  "Here ya go, Ed!"  With that, he grabbed up the folder and ran off towards the park.  "Let's go get that monkey, Plank, I bet Sarah would love one of those!"

"Nice work, Mono-brow!  Jawbreaker city, here we come!"  Eddy grinned appreciatively at Ed and strolled back behind the tree.  "What'd I tell ya, Double-D, this idea – " he snickered as he noticed Edd, wrapped several times around a low-hanging branch.  "What're you supposed to be, a tree-snake?"

"Yes, you're just hilarious, Eddy.  Thank you so much for introducing me to this new form of discomfort.  Now if you don't mind, I really could use some assistance?"

"Gee, since ya asked so nice."  Eddy stood on his tiptoes and grabbed the branch, pulling it down so he could loosen Edd.  "Geez louise, Lumpy, you don't mess around, do you?"

Ed beamed proudly.  "Satisfaction guaranteed or your nose hair back!"  He pulled the quarters out of his pocket, licked them, and stuck them to his face.  "Guys, look!  I am Money-face, devourer of loose change!"

"Ed!"  Eddy yanked Edd down and snatched the quarters from Ed.  "Careful with those, will ya?  You could've dented them on your thick skull!"  He held them reverently in his hand, watching them glint in the sunlight.  "There's no-one else I'd rather be with than you," he cooed, lovingly tracing their ridged outlines with his finger.

Edd picked himself up and looked skywards.  "Yes, Eddy, the love of a boy and his pocket-change is a touching sight indeed.  But, much as I hate to break up such an emotion-wrought scene, don't you think we should head down to the candy store now, before our deception is uncovered?"

"Candy store?"  Eddy snapped back to the present.  "Candy store!  Let's go, boys, we've – Wait a minute."  He ground to a halt and counted his change.  "We've only got a dollar here!"

Edd smiled patiently.  "Don't worry, Eddy!  At a nickel per jawbreaker, that's more than enough to meet our jawbreaker needs well through today – through the end of the week, even, if Ed agrees not to jam more than one into his bellybutton at any given time!"  With an apologetic glance at Ed, who was looking extremely disappointed, he continued.  "Don't you remember our little talk about the ratio of nickels, dimes, and quarters to the dollar?"

"I _know _there's ten nickels in a dollar, Sock-head, that ain't what I was talking about!"  Eddy gestured at the folders.  "We've still got tons of these things left!"

Edd sighed as he caught Eddy's meaning.  "Please, Eddy, can't we quit while we're ahead just this once?"

"Never quit 'til you've disgraced yourself, Double-D – that's what my brother always says!"  Eddy's renewed excitement soured as he caught Edd rolling his eyes.  "Look, what's the big deal?  You know you want jawbreakers just as much as me and Ed!  In fact," he picked up the folders and thrust them upon Edd, "Why don't _you_ sell the next file?  It's about time you did something useful – I'm sick of being the only one who ever works around here!"

Edd opened his mouth for a sharp retort, but snapped it shut and slowly composed himself as a better idea came to him.  "Oh, Ed?"  Smiling ever-so-slightly, he backed away to safety.  "Could you please demonstrate that tree-man movie again?  You wouldn't want Eddy to feel left out, would you?"  He shot Eddy a deliberate grin.

Eddy's gaze shifted nervously toward Ed.  "Uh, that's okay, Lumpy, you don't – "

"We are an equal opportunity employer, Eddy!"  Ed laughed, lumbering towards Eddy.  "I know!  I will do the part where the tree-men capture the park ranger and devour him in bite-sized pieces!  You'll like this, Eddy, it's a laugh in a bucket!"

"Ed, wait!  Knock it off, Ed, I – ED!!"

Hands held casually behind his back, Edd strolled away, wincing in sympathy at the yelps and crashes that rose behind him.  Well, he had to admit, Eddy _was_ right – it certainly _had_ been time for him to do something useful.  Smiling only a little guiltily, he went to retrieve his stepladder, the easier to free Eddy with…eventually.


	4. Dossier Discord

"Man, I'd almost forgotten what these things tasted like."  Eddy sauntered out of the candy store ahead of his friends, already licking the last of his jawbreaker from his fingers.  "What'd I tell you, boys?  Those files were a goldmine just waiting for me to happen!"

"We get jawbreakers and gold?"  Ed hugged himself in excitement.  "This is the luckiest day of my toenails!  Can I have a solid gold toilet seat, Eddy?  Please?  Can I?  I have always wanted to sit in the lap of luxury!"

Edd giggled as he slurped his own jawbreaker, carefully taking it out of his mouth before replying.  "Eddy's speaking figuratively, Ed, I'm afraid there is no actual gold – you'll just have to make do with that enormous bag of jawbreakers on your head."  He peered up at Ed.  "And are you certain it's comfortable to carry those like that?  That bag must weigh as much as you!"  Indeed, Ed did seem a few inches shorter than normal.

"Nah, I like it there, Double-D!"  Ed patted the bag.  "It keeps me from floating away!"

Eddy snickered.  "I bet that _is_ a big problem when your head's full of air.  But here, lemme lighten your load, Big Guy."  He snapped his fingers.  "Don't keep those jawbreakers all to yourself!"

"Please drive through!"  Ed chuckled as he reached up and tossed a jawbreaker to Eddy.  "Thank you, come again!"

Eddy caught the jawbreaker and spun it on one finger.  "Now _this_ is living, huh boys?  Three bucks' worth of jawbreakers in no time – lemme hear it, Double-D, I was pure genius!"

"Yes, well, you certainly did choose your targets well, Eddy, I'll give you that – "

"Darn right I did!  Jimmy just about popped his headgear to get that file on Kevin!"  He snickered at the memory.  "Man, what a twerp!"

Edd clucked his tongue.  "Now, Eddy, it's impolite to laugh at others' insecurities.  Poor Jimmy was all too eager to play victim to our scam."  He shook his head in wonder.  "Imagine, believing a few paltry scraps of information could actually enable him to achieve the top-dog social status of Kevin!  And speaking of Kevin," he continued, amazed, "who ever thought _he'd_ be so easily duped?"

"I did, Sock-head, that's why _I'm _the Eddy of this group!  Of course he was gonna fall for Nazz's folder!"  Eddy smugly adjusted his collar.  "You just gotta know what bait to use for what sucker!"

"I like to use my socks as bait, guys!"  Ed beamed.  "When they get gummy enough I can stick my toes in the freezer and they come out covered in fish-sticks!"

Eddy frowned as Edd turned around to stare at Ed, his face an unhealthy shade of green.  "Ed!  Don't distract Double-D when I'm gloating!"  Eddy spun Edd back to face him once more.  "Are you listening to me?  I _said_,just think how stupid Mr. Macho's gonna look when he tries to impress Nazz with the junk in those files!"

Edd twisted his shirttail anxiously.  "N-now that you mention it, Eddy, I'm more concerned with how _we'll _look once Kevin decides to exact his vengeance upon us…"

"Oh!"  Ed grabbed Edd and spun him around once more.  "Could Kevin help me grow a moustache, Double-D?"

"Ed!"  Eddy whirled Edd back to face him.  "Knock it off!"

"Would _both _of you stop doing that?" Edd snapped, righting himself after a few wobbly steps.  "At any rate, Ed may actually have some semblance of a point there, Eddy – a change of identity certainly may be in order if we hope to escape Kevin's wrath once he discovers our deception!"

"Yeah, right, like he'll find out."  Eddy shrugged disinterestedly.  "Trust me, Double-D, we're in the clear!"  Edd still looked worried, so he added, "Look, if he does suspect something, we'll just blame it on Nazz, all right?  We'll say she's – she's just pretending not to be interested 'coz she doesn't _like_ him – yeah, I like that!"

"Well, _I _don't – "

"Eddy's got it made in the shortbread, Double-D!"  Ed put his hand on Edd's head and turned him around yet again, but this time he kept spinning as he spoke.  "Kevin will not blame us because you are not Nazz and I am not Nazz and Eddy is not Nazz and Kevin knows that Nazz we are not!"  He laughed, spinning even faster despite Edd's protests.  "Right, Eddy?"

"Close enough, Lumpy."  Snickering, Eddy pulled Edd away, only to whirl him around himself while Edd yelped for him to stop.  "It makes perfect sense, everyone knows _I'm_ the one she's really got the hots for!"  With a final spin, he released Edd.  "Got it, Sock-head?"

Edd staggered around, his eyes swirling dizzily.  "Ah…so this is how you two attain such impressive heights of self-delusion…"  He backed into Ed, dislodging one of the jawbreakers from the bag on Ed's head.  It struck him with a loud 'thunk,' knocking him to the ground. "You know, for once you both make perfect sense…"

"Now you're talking!"  Eddy grinned and elbowed Ed.  "Make a note, Ed, we've gotta get a swivel chair for him."

Ed blinked slowly.  "I thought my name was Nazz, Eddy?"

*****

"Come, Wilfred!"  Rolf walked Wilfred down the street, a book balanced on the pig's head.  "We must practice if we are to earn the Golden Hooves of Waltzing!"  Nodding in satisfaction as Wilfred trotted smoothly forward, Rolf turned to his other animals.  "Victor!  Must Rolf tell you again?  Tip on toes of daintiness, do not indent the ground with your oafish stomping!"  He was so engrossed in directing his livestock that he didn't notice Kevin until he'd backed into him.

"Rolf!  Watch it, will ya?"  Kevin bent down to pick up the file he'd dropped.

"Rolf begs your forgiveness, hotshot Kevin.  Please, allow his poultry to assist in the retrieval of your runaway papers."  He turned to bark an order at his chickens.

"That's okay, Rolf, I got it."  Kevin jammed the papers into his folder and held it behind his back.  His gaze shifted to Wilfred.  "Uh, Rolf, it looks like your pig wants a bedtime story…"

Rolf indignantly adjusted the book on Wilfred's head.  "Foolish burger-chewer!  The balancing of the Shepherd's Almanac is a time-honored tradition in the teaching of porkish poise!  Do you know nothing of the Annual Livestock Dance?"  He pulled out a picture of himself and his cow, both decked out in formal wear and looking decidedly dissatisfied as they posed next to a large, metallic udder.  "Last year Rolf earned only the Copper Udders of Attendance, but he will not be shamed again!"

Kevin raised an eyebrow as he inspected a chicken, resplendent in silk slippers and blue tutu.  "Dude, you get weirder every – "  His comment ended in a gasp as Nazz appeared at the other end of the lane.  "Nazz!"  Flipping through his folder, he skimmed its contents for something he could use.  He blinked in surprise as he came upon one line in particular, and looked back down at Rolf's chicken.  After checking the file again, he shrugged and grabbed the bird.  "Yo, Rolf, can I borrow this for a minute?  Thanks!"  With that, he ran over to Nazz, chicken in tow.

"Kevin, come back!"  Rolf shouted.  "Gertrude is the star of the all-fowl ballet!"  He snorted as Kevin continued towards Nazz.  "The shameless ignorance of this can-I-get-it-to-go land soils Rolf!"  He turned to his livestock.  "Come, we shall honor these twenty-four-hour-fresh barbarians no longer – " Just then he was knocked aside by Sarah, who stalked past dragging Jimmy by the wrist.

"Come on, Jimmy, let's go before that stupid Jonny finds us again!"

"But Sarah," Jimmy held up a file as he stumbled to keep up.  "We don't need to – aaah!"  The file suddenly flew open and Jonny bounced out, grinning from ear to ear.

"Hey, Sarah, wait up!  Me and Plank weren't finished!  What's that, buddy?"  He held Plank up to his ear and nodded.  "You're right, we should start over from the beginning!"  He flourished a roll of paper and cleared his throat.  "Roses are red, soy milk's off-white – "  

"I told you, Jonny, I don't want to hear your stupid poem!  And I don't want your stupid presents!"  She hurled a knotted plant-holder down at Jonny's feet.  "I _don't_ like soy milk, I _don't_ like macramé, and I _don't_ like you!  Now if you don't leave me and Jimmy alone I'm gonna stuff that stupid board RIGHT DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

The force of Sarah's yell sent Jonny tumbling end over end, knocking him into Rolf.  "Hiya, Rolf!"  He looked up and laughed.  "Wow, from down here you look like you're a million feet tall!  Too weird!"  He hopped to his feet and readjusted the clip-on bowtie fastened to his t-shirt.  "Hey, didja see me and Plank wooing Sarah?  I think she's falling for us, huh, Plank!"  He sighed happily.  "Doesn't she have the voice of an angel?"

Rolf blinked at Jonny.  "Have the muskrats made off with your senses, Jonny Cabbage-head?  Rolf has not heard such screeching since his Nana sat on her dentures!"

"Yeah, nobody yells like Sarah."  Jonny half-closed his eyes and grinned dopily.  "Isn't it wonderful?"  He ran back over, yelling, "Hey, Sarah, did you know Plank can speak four different languages?  He says to tell you – whoooah!!"  Rolf looked down at Jonny, who was once more staring up at him from the ground at his feet.

Sarah stomped up, hands balled into fists.  "That's it, Jonny, I told you to stay away!"  She reached for him, but Jimmy stopped her.

"Don't mess up your new manicure, Sarah!"  Jimmy adjusted his headgear in as macho a manner as possible.  "There's a new big-shot in town!"  He strode over to Jonny, but suddenly faltered, at a loss for what to do next.  Turning his back on Jonny, he leafed through the file he'd bought.

"What'cha reading, Jimmy?"  Jonny stood on tiptoe and peered over Jimmy's shoulder.  "Hey, look Plank, he's got a file just like us!"  He squinted at the words as Jimmy tried to pull away.  "Wow, Kevin hates birds?"  He cackled wildly.  "Boy, I never woulda guessed that, would you, Plank?"

"Hating birds makes you tough?"  Jimmy scratched his head, but resolutely shut the file.  He faced Jonny once more.  "Listen up, Mister Interrupty-Pants, you leave my friend Sarah alone or I'll – " pointedly looking over at Rolf's chickens, he let out a shriek.  "Birds!"  He collapsed in a melodramatic faint, then immediately sat up to gauge its effect.  "Am I tough now?"

Jonny guffawed appreciatively.  "Boy, Jimmy, that's a good one!  Me and Plank haven't seen anyone so scared since the time we put all that birdseed in Eddy's pockets while he was sleeping!"

Jimmy frowned at his file, then dropped it with a thin wail.  "Sarah!  It's not working!"

"What's not working, Jimmy?"  Sarah rushed over to her friend.  "What were you trying to – hey, what is this?"  Her brow wrinkled in puzzlement as she picked up the file.  "Information on Kevin?"

"It was – it was supposed to make me tough, too, Sarah," Jimmy blubbered.  "I was gonna be the coolest boy in the cul-de-sac but it didn't work!"  He threw his arms around Sarah and dissolved in tears.  "Broken dreams can be so cruel!"

Rolf boggled at the scene before him.  "Have you all been struck with the tentacles of foolishness today?  Rolf has not seen such village idiocy since his Nano consumed an entire container of livestock polish and frolicked through the house wearing only a turnip!"

"Hey!  Who're you calling a – "  Sarah gasped and pointed over Rolf's shoulder.  "Duck!"  

"Duck?  Are the Ed-boys – "  Too late, Rolf turned around and was hit in the face with an elegantly-dressed chicken.

"Keep that thing_ away_ from me, Kevin, it probably has fleas or something!"  Nazz did not sound happy as she backed a very confused-looking Kevin onto the scene.

Kevin picked up the hen and held it out to Nazz once more.  "But Nazz, I thought you loved chickens!"  He snuck another peek at his folder.  "Don't you like to, you know, hug them and stuff?"

"_Hug _chickens?"  Nazz made a face.  "What kind of weirdo do you think I am, Kevin?"

"But – "

"Kevin's holding a chicken?"  Jimmy sniffled with confusion.  "I thought he was afraid of birds?"

Kevin darted a glance at Jimmy before turning his attention back to Nazz.  "Yeah right, you'd have to be a real dork to be afraid of some dumb bird!"

"But I thought – my file said – "  Jimmy sat back down and resumed his sobbing.  "Sarah!  I'm not like Kevin after all!"

"You?  Be like _me_?  Keep dreaming, Toto.  What's going on here?"  Kevin dropped the chicken and turned back to Jimmy, grabbing his file and flipping through it.  "Is this supposed to be about me?  Dude, you've been had!"  Suddenly his scowl returned.  "Wait, don't tell me – those Eds sold you this, didn't they?"  His eyes widened as he looked back at his 'Nazz' folder.  "S-so that means…"

"It means what I've been telling you all along, Kevin – I don't like chickens!"  Nazz sniffed haughtily.  "Why would you even think – hold on."  She snatched Kevin's folder out of his hands before he could hide it.  "This had better not be what I think it is…"

"It's nothing, Nazz, I swear!"  Kevin tried to grab the folder, but stopped dead in his tracks as Nazz glared back up at him.

"You bought one of those files the Eds were selling?"  Nazz's face was livid.  "You bought one on _me_?!?  And you couldn't even _tell_ that it was totally wrong?"  She threw the file to the ground, then slammed Kevin down on top of it.  "This is _so_ not cool!"

"But Nazz, I just – "

"Ah, the plot becomes muddled like the strainings from Nana's hen-foot chowder!"  Rolf picked up the files.  "The I-smell-a-rat Ed-boys have made cow bottoms of you both!"  Holding back his laughter, he looked over at Jonny.  "And unless Rolf quacks up the wrong tree, granola-breath Jonny-boy has also been bamboozled, yes?"

Jonny looked down at his file.  "Boy, Plank, do you think he's right?  Could all that stuff about Sarah really be wrong?"

"Of COURSE it is, you idiot!"  Sarah rolled her eyes.  "I HATE folk songs!!"  She crossed her arms and added, "And tofu is _gross_..."

"You don't like tofu??"  Jonny sighed forlornly.  "I guess it just wasn't meant to be, huh Plank?  Okay, okay, you don't need to say 'I told you so'!  Boy, Plank, you really – "  Suddenly he perked up.  "Hey, yeah!  This _is _when we all usually go chase down the Eds!"

"Good memory, Plank."  Kevin cracked his knuckles.  "I know a few dorks who need a good pounding."

"Count us in!"  Sarah grabbed Jimmy by the hand.  "Come on, Jimmy, let's go show my stupid brother and his idiot friends what tough _really_ is!"

"I feel all tingly, Sarah!"  Jimmy scampered after Sarah.

Rolf laughed to himself.  "The youths of this neighborhood are thick as Nana's calves to buy such flimflam from the all-sizzle-no-steak Ed-boys.  Surely they will fester in the bed they have made."  Shrugging philosophically, he stuffed the folders into his pocket and returned to his livestock.  "Come, break-time is finished – we do not gain dancing supremacy by loafing around like salad-bar olives!  Attend to Rolf and show him your tango skills!"  With that, Rolf strode home, clapping in time and watching critically as his livestock danced ahead of him.


	5. Escape Escapades

A/N:  Well, after an inexcusably long hiatus, I'm back – with profuse apologies for leaving this story just hanging, one chapter shy of completion – ugh, I hate that!  I'd like to say I had a good reason, but really I just wasn't happy with the way it was going so I put it down for a while…and…uh…took quite some time to pick it back up – short attention-span strikes again!  I'm back now, though, so hopefully my next story (which I expect to be a High Planes Drifter one) will come out with a bit more regularity…again, terribly sorry about the wait!

~Zephyr "Anticipation is Good for You" Samba

*****

"Hey Sock-head, you sure you don't wanna join in?"

Edd sat at the edge of Ed's backyard pond, watching with mild distaste as his friends batted a jawbreaker around the pond in a game Ed had eloquently dubbed 'Jawbreakerball'.  "Thank you, Eddy, but no."  He peered into the water and shivered.  "I'm happier just watching you two enjoy your little wade through that roiling cauldron of algae, mosquito larva and single-celled organisms Ed calls a backyard pond."

"Aw, come on in, Double-D!"  Ed splashed towards Edd, his arms open wide.  "The mosquitoes tickle!"

Edd backed away as quickly as he could.  "Please, Ed, just keep your eye on the, um, ball.  You don't want to lose your jawbreaker, do you?"

"Don't worry, it is safe!  Watch!"  Ed caught the jawbreaker as Eddy slapped it back and dropped it into the pond.  It didn't even break the surface.  "It cannot break through the pond scum!"

"That's…fascinating, Ed," Edd put a hand to his queasy stomach.  "I hope you aren't planning on eating that, though?"  Ed blinked at him, clearly puzzled.  "Um, never mind – at any rate, don't you two think it's time you wrapped up this little diversion?  I hate to break up such a riot of bacterial revelry, but don't you feel we're pressing our luck by remaining out in the open while the fruits of our morally defunct labors have yet to be reaped?"

Eddy rolled his eyes.  "Relax, will ya?  Trust me, we're in the clear, there's no way anyone's gonna figure out we tricked 'em!"  He grinned at Edd's dubious look.  "What you need is a little distraction – hey Ed, let's see if Double-D's heavy enough to break through the scum, I bet he gets stuck just like that jawbreaker!"

"Don't you dare!"  Edd yelped as Ed laughingly picked him up and held him over his head.  "Eddy, call him off!  Listen to me, Ed, I don't want – "

"This way, Jimmy, I think I hear 'em in the backyard!"  The Eds looked at each other in horror as the sound of many trampling feet headed their way.  Within seconds, all three had disappeared, leaving no trace of their presence but the jawbreaker still oozing through the slime.

****

"Faster, Jimmy, I know I heard them back here!"  Sarah tugged her friend onwards, leading the mob of angry kids out looking for the Eds.

"My piggies are killing me, Sarah!"  Jimmy bent over to rub one of his feet.  "Darn these new penny loafers!"

Kevin knocked Jimmy aside.  "Outta the way, Buster Brown, I ain't giving those dorks time to sneak away again!"  He paused, scanning the backyard.  "All right, where are they?"

"Hey, look!"  Jonny pointed over to the wet flagstones encircling the pond.  "Plank says those splashes could be a clue!"  He ran up to peer into the pond.  "Good tracking, Plank, you're gonna make a great park ranger someday!"

"Yeah, he'd be great with campfires."  Kevin shoved past Jonny and glared into the water.  "Hey!  I think I see something!"  With that, he pushed up his sleeve and plunged his hand into the water.  "I've got it!  Oh yeah, one dork surprise, coming up!"

Nazz eyed the sludgy green water with disgust.  "Um, are you sure that's an Ed?  I can't believe even Ed would hide in there…"

"They must've thought we'd be too grossed out to go in after 'em!  They're gonna pay for this…"  Kevin tugged, but was unable to move his prize.  "Ugh…must be the big dork, I can't pull him out!"

"Need a hand, dude?"  Nazz grabbed him by the waist and pulled, but it still wasn't enough.  Soon Sarah and Jonny had joined in as well.

"Come on, Jimmy, you're missing all the fun!"  Jonny reached back and snagged Jimmy's headgear with Plank, and everyone pulled.  For a moment it looked like they would succeed, but then Jimmy's headgear snapped, sending him tumbling backwards as everyone else fell into the pond.

"Not cool!!"  Nazz hauled herself back to shore, covered in algae.  "Oh, gross, my hair is green!"

Kevin's scowl deepened as he looked at Nazz.  "Oh yeah.  Those dorks are gonna pay big-time."  He stuck his hand into the water and yanked out…a life-sized doll, still tangled in the weeds that had kept it so securely fastened to the bottom of the pond.  "What the – ?"

"My Peter Prissy-Pants!"  Sarah snatched the doll out of Kevin's hands.  Suddenly she frowned and looked at Jimmy.  "I thought you said you saw my stupid brother eat him?"

Jimmy looked uncertainly back from the edge of the pond.  "Darn my dishonesty!" he finally wailed, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead.  "I confess, Sarah, I threw him in the pond – I was so jealous of his luxurious golden tresses, I couldn't stand to look at him!"  He sat down, sobbing.  "I'm just another soul lost to the ravages of hair-care rivalry!"

Sarah sloughed through the pond scum to come to Jimmy's side.  "It's okay, Jimmy, I didn't know he upset you so much.  Besides, at least we got Ed grounded for that!"  She grinned wickedly.

"Forget grounding," Kevin gritted his teeth as he wrung slimy green water out of his cap.  "What those dorks need is a good pounding!"

*****

Eddy peeked out from where he and his friends clung to the underside of the open patio table umbrella.  Seeing that their pursuers were distracted, he hissed, "Okay, _now_!  Let's hightail it!"

"Eddy, not another running scene!"  Edd gulped.  "You know how I detest those – and besides, when has such an event ever ended in our favor?"

"Well, what then?  You wanna stay up here all day?"

"W-well, no, the mildew is starting to affect my sinuses…at least, I hope that's what I'm smelling…" Edd eyed Ed uneasily.  "And I doubt the structural integrity of this umbrella can be maintained for much longer with the combined weight of the three of us suspended from it…"

"If only we had been bitten by radioactive accountants, we could blast our way out with our mutant-powered auditing skills like in 'The Thing from the Corner Office'!"

"Shut up, Ed, you're gonna give us away!"  Eddy jammed his foot into Ed's mouth to prevent any more outbursts.  "And you – you don't wanna run, you don't wanna stay here, that doesn't leave a whole lot of options, does it, Einstein?"

"It does leave one option, Eddy," Edd replied.  "We could simply face our pursuers, apologize sincerely and try to reason with them like the rational, sensitive beings we all are – what do you think?"

"I think the stress is startin' to affect your brain, Sock-head – those bozos would eat us alive if we showed ourselves now!  Man, I thought you were the – aaigh!"  Eddy cut off with a startled shout as he glanced down and saw all five pursuers standing directly beneath them with arms crossed.

Kevin grinned up at the Eds.  "You dorks sure do make a lot of noise."  He looked back at the others.  "Here, gimme something to knock 'em down with!"  Ignoring Jonny's horrified cry, he grabbed Plank and took aim at Eddy.

"Let's go, boys!"  Eddy started to swing down from their erstwhile hiding place, but his sudden movement proved too much for the umbrella and it crashed to the ground – landing squarely on the mob beneath.  Eddy scrambled to his feet.  "Run for it!!"  He grabbed Edd and ran off as fast as he could.

"Please excuse us!"  Edd called back as he was dragged off, scanning the scene behind him to be sure nobody had been hurt by the collapsing umbrella.  "Ed, hurry!"

"I am already there, Double-D!"  Ed raced after friends, trailing the wrecked umbrella behind him.  As he passed Eddy and Edd, he scooped them up in the umbrella like fish in a net.

"Get them!"  The other kids clambered to their feet, but the Eds' head start left them nowhere to be seen.

*****

Rolf clucked his tongue and glared at his animals as he filled their water trough.  "Never has Rolf seen such soggy-beet dancing in all his life!  We shall be the goose-bottoms of the Ball if you do not all – ayii!"  He dropped the hose in surprise as Edd suddenly sat up in the trough and gasped for air.

"I'm sitting in animal water!"  He cried in horror, leaping out of the trough and attempting to wipe every part of his body at once.  "Filthy, germ-ridden animal water!!"

"Ed-boy?"

"Present and accountant for!"  Ed rose slowly out of the water, laughing as he looked at the pigs nearby.  "Cool, I feel just like the corn-man who got eaten by the animals in 'Radioactive Nightmare at the Animal Farm'!"

"Would you two knock it off!"  Eddy popped up next to Ed, glowering at both his friends as he jumped out of the trough.  "Hiya, Rolfie-boy!  Nice day for a swim, eh?  Me and the boys were just testing the water for you – that's only gonna cost you a quar – "

"Why must you Ed-boys foul the water of Rolf's livestock?"  Rolf frowned at the Eds, pulling Ed out by the back of his jacket.  "He suffers already under the burden of clumsy animals and needs no more to fill his barnyard shed!"

Edd smiled nervously as he wrung out his hat.  "We apologize, Rolf – you see, my friends and I found ourselves in somewhat of a…well…uncomfortable situation back at Ed's house, and needed a place to hide – "

"Oho!  Could it be that the hard-luck Ed-boys have once again quacked up the wrong tree?"

Edd blinked, bewildered, and glanced back at Eddy for assistance.  Eddy only shrugged in shared confusion.  "Um…I-I suppose one _could_ say that, Rolf…"

"Yes, all-brain-no-brawn Ed-boy, Rolf has captured your drift!"  He pulled out the folders he had taken from Kevin and Jimmy, and waved them in front of the Eds.  "Yet again your rapscallion dealings have brought the turnips of wrath upon your thick-headed noggins, as the cul-de-sac festers with the call to Ed-boy thrashing!"  Rolf's eyes lit cunningly.  "But perhaps Rolf could help to put off these festivities if the price were ripe – what say you, in-the-doghouse Ed-boys?"

Eddy snorted.  "Forget it, Rolf, we ain't – "  Suddenly Edd jumped in front of him, his eyes ringed as the sounds of pursuit grew nearer.

"W-what Eddy meant to say, Rolf, was that your assistance would be greatly appreciated!  Name your price, I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement!"

Rolf nodded in satisfaction.  Reaching into his shirt, he pulled out what looked to be an octopus wrapped around a pickle, fastened to a chain around his neck.  "Then place your hands upon the Medallion of Lucky Bargaining, and let the flim-flaming begin!"

"Oh, great, more bumpkin-time fun with Uncle Cabbage-head!"  Eddy growled as he reached for the medallion.  "Thanks a lot, Double-D…"

"We can argue the finer points of culpability later, Eddy…"  Edd shut his eyes and turned his head away as he reached out for the medallion.  "Just tell me when this is over…"

*****

The crowd of vengeance-seekers was growing less enthused by the moment.  Only Kevin and Sarah, still at the head of the pack, showed any sign of interest in continuing the pursuit.

"Those Eds have gotta be around here somewhere!"  Kevin slowed to a halt, scratching his chin as he looked around.  "Where haven't we checked yet?"

"Nowhere, Kevin – there isn't anywhere we haven't checked!"  Nazz stifled a yawn, tired and bored with their long search.  "Face it, we've lost them!  Maybe they got Ed's mom to drive them to a movie or something?"

"No way, Nazz, my mom wouldn't take Ed anywhere without me!"  Sarah glared around the neighborhood as if trying to scare the Eds out of hiding by the force of her stare alone.  "They're around here somewhere, I know it!"  Suddenly she snapped her fingers.  "Hey, maybe they're at Rolf's?"

Jimmy shuddered.  "Rolf's pigs give me the willies, Sarah!"

"And besides, we already checked there, Sarah, don't you remember?"  Nazz brushed at her clothes in disgust.  "I don't think I'm ever gonna get the smell of cow out of this shirt!"

Kevin shrugged.  "We might as well go ask Rolf if he's seen them anyway, you never know where those dorks are gonna turn up."  He slammed his hand into his fist.  "And the next time they _do_ turn up, they ain't getting away without a pounding!"  With that he led the straggling group onwards to Rolf's.

When they arrived, they found Rolf in his garden, pulling eggplants out of the dirt and giving them a thorough polishing before planting them once more.  "Ah, the sight of the well-soiled eggplant brings tears to Rolf's eyes!"  He glanced up at the newcomers.  "Welcome, friends!  Come, do not be ashamed to weep at the beauty of Rolf's produce!"

"Later, dude – we've got dorks to thrash first."  Kevin looked around the Eds-less barnyard.  "You mind if we check your shed?"

Rolf shook his head.  "There could be no sneaky Ed-boys in the shed of Rolf, for it is currently in use for the bathing of his swine.  Rolf must ask that you respect the privacy of his livestock!"

"But Rolf, we've looked everywhere!  They've _gotta_ be in there, I know it!"

"You doubt the word of Rolf?"  Rolf set his eggplant aside and stood up, glaring down at the kids before him.  "You shall regret this day, hot-shot Kevin, for it is a grave thing indeed to insult the son of a shepherd!"  Over his shoulder he called, "Nana!  Warm the Spatulas of Dishonor for Rolf!"

"Oh boy, Plank, we get to see a real live duel!  Just like in the movies!"

Kevin glanced uncomfortably back at Jonny before returning his attention to Rolf.  "Sorry, dude, we believe you – forget it, we don't need to look in your shed.  Maybe we'll go check the park again – but if you see those Eds, don't let 'em get away!"  Kevin turned and led the groaning, complaining group onwards to the park.

Rolf watched them go, nodding in satisfaction when they were out of sight.  With one final glance around to be sure no one was watching, he went back to his shed and opened the door.  "Rolf has fulfilled his part of the bargain – his story was bought as eagerly as day-old cheese at the Muskrat Festival!  He grinned in amusement as he surveyed the scene within.  "Very good, Ed-boys, you honor the Great Octopus of Bargaining with this enthusiastic display!"

"H-heh, yes, well, we're just grateful for your kind assistance, Rolf…"  Edd smiled weakly, then turned to Eddy.  "You know, Eddy, I remember a time in my life when I thought I'd reached an all-time low because I was dancing with a vase…"  He spun around with his new dance partner, Wilfred the pig, careful to avoid stepping on his hooves.  "It's funny how relative the term 'all-time low' can be, don't you think?"

"What're you complaining about, Sock-head?"  Eddy groused, yanking at the horns of the cow he'd been paired with.  "At least you don't have to drag 600 pounds of hamburger around the dance-floor!"

"What is this bellyaching, greasy Ed-boy?  You must forget your couch-potato ways if you are to prepare Rolf's livestock for the upcoming Ball!"  Rolf gestured at Ed, who twirled gleefully around the room, covered in chickens.  "Seek to be more like your lack-wit companion, his enthusiasm ensures Rolf's chickens will be the stars of the all-poultry competition!"

Ed laughed with joy as he danced with the chickens.  "This is even better than Jawbreakerball, huh Eddy!  Please can't we go to the ball itself?  Please please please, oh please?"

"Shut up, Ed, we ain't goin' to the stupid barn dance!"  Eddy grumbled, still trying to get his cow to move.  "Stupid cow, _move_!!  Man, I never knew how much I hate cows!"

"Cheer up, Eddy," Edd called, gamely trying to remain positive.  "At least we did manage to enjoy that entire bag of jawbreakers – and we _have_ successfully eluded the other children's wrath – all in all, I'd say that makes this better than the average day, wouldn't you?"

"Double-D?"

"Yes, Eddy?"

"Shut up."

"Ed-boys!  Cease this cackling and attend to your duties!"  Rolf turned to his rickety old record-player and placed a new record on the turntable.  "Enough of this old-maid slow dance, now we practice the barnyard rumba!"  As the music picked up and the animals increased their pace accordingly, Edd and Eddy yelped in alarm and hung on for dear life.  Ed laughed and clapped his hands as his feathered dance partners took the lead and worked together to swing him around the room.

"This is the best day of my day!  Please can't we hold a chicken dance of our own, guys?"

"NO!"


End file.
